Almond Joy

Of all the alternatives to dairy I see, the one that makes the least sense to me is almond milk. People complain that almond crops use a ridiculous amount of water. Have you seen an almond? It’s a dry little nut. How in the hell do they get any liquid out of it?

Almonds are one of the most water-intense crops grown in California. Seeing as we’re in a drought, it’s easy to understand why people are so critical of it. They’re kind of bland. In order to make them good you need to smother them in turd of coconut and cover them in dark chocolate. As far as a nut goes, they’re nothing special. They are way better nuts out there. If there were a list, I’m not sure they’d crack the top 10. Then one day, someone came up with almond milk. That has got to be the biggest bullshit food product I’ve ever seen. There’s no way you could extract that much liquid from a dry little nut.

Almond milk is like the fracking of food.

BLT – Bacon Lettuce and Tumor

By now, many of us have heard the news that the World Health Organization said something about bacon and cancer. I’m not all that concerned about this news because, well, I never thought bacon was healthy for you in the first place. Cancer, clogged arteries, morbid obesity, take your pick, eat enough of this stuff and something will kill you.

Personally, I don’t think the WHO discovered anything. I think they’re like me and just sick and tired of all the stupid jokes, references, and bacon-flavored this that and the other thing.

Like a normal person, I’ll continue to eat it in moderation and tell no one.


I don’t know how much value McDonald’s has really generated in listening to their critics over their fans.

McDonald’s doesn’t have to be the healthy restaurant. They should learn from the lessons of Vegas. The harder that town tried to be family friendly, the worse it got. Now they’re back to their roots as a hedonistic destination and families (with any sense) stay away. Now you don’t have the right to complain if you go there and you’re appalled. You’re supposed to be!

With McDonald’s, I don’t know why they care if people think their offerings are healthy. That wasn’t their purpose or value proposition. The idea behind McDonald’s was fast food. They nailed it. When I go to a McDonald’s I don’t want any of their so-called healthy options anyhow, because 1) they’re not appetizing compared to their other stuff, and 2) it’s not what I would consider better for you.

If you want to eat healthy, processed foods aren’t the answer, no matter what people try tell you. And even if they’re not off the mark in terms of nutrition, they’re really not worth it. For example, apple slices at McDonald’s can’t possibly touch a regular apple sliced by yourself, or at least a whole apple. Why? Because the sliced apples require extra processing so they don’t turn brown minutes after they’ve been sliced. That entails sealing them in air tight bags filled with nitrogen gas. It’s not unhealthy, but it’s really over-engineering something meant to be simple.

McDonald’s should embrace what they do, and do it well. Focus on the food that people enjoy like Big Macs, Quarter Pounders, and fries. They don’t have to go overboard like Burger King who seems to embrace their inner diabetic.

It seems like the only people who give McDonald’s a hard time about their menu are the people who are least likely to eat there. It’s people who I would argue, aren’t interested in their success. If that’s the case, they probably have an ulterior motive. When I’m [trying] to eat healthy, it’s usually because I’m on a health and fitness kick. It’s a mode I go in and out of, not a life choice. That’s probably the case for most people. I do know a few people who I’d actually say live a healthy lifestyle. Most of their food choices are predetermined for them and the thought of McDonald’s with our without a healthy menu probably wouldn’t cross their mind.

I only eat at McDonald’s 5 times a year, but that has more to do with my tastes, than health. When I go there, I’m in a completely different frame of mind. I may not be proud of myself for fall off the wagon when I eat there, but I still want the experience to deliver.