Reality Check

Other jobs? I was under the impression people became realtors because they sucked at their previous job.

Workday Super Bowl Commercial

In an effort to save money, Workday laid off 400 people…except the guy who spent around $14M to run a Super Bowl ad.

Doritos and Chevys I get, but no one who’s in charge of selecting a multi-million dollar enterprise solution should be basing any of their decision on branding.

I’m sure they’ll argue it’s important to raise awareness. But when did companies ever listen to their employees about IT rollouts?

Plant-based Fish

Great news kids! We know how much you already hate eating vegetables. We found a way to make them taste and smell like fish! If that doesn’t work just tell them to shut up and enjoy the muscle fiber and scaffolding platform.

In Defense of Karens

Instead of maligning a small group of women, we should start naming meltdowns like hurricanes. It’s not fair to all the Julies, Angies, and Jennies out there making a complete ass of themselves in public.

To make it even more equitable, we can alternate between female and male names to make all the Kevin, Todds, and Bobs happy.

Going back to the gym

After 3 years, I finally returned to the gym. I feel like a captive animal that was reintroduced to the wild.

I have been using a Peloton for so long, I totally forgot it’s not appropriate to stare at your instructor for 45 minutes straight. After a week back I got kicked out for touching her. I tried to explain, it wasn’t sexual or perverted. I was just trying to make her pause.

French and English Labels

I understand why there’s often more than one language on packaging. Companies might sell their products in another country and want to save money. But why is it usually French? Am I to believe the only other place Old Spice Night Panther shower gel is available is France?

Buzz Aldrin

I just read that astronaut Buzz Aldrin, 93 just married the love of his life. This is his 4th wife. So how many years did this old geezer spend not in love?

Mind altering

Who needs acid, ecstasy, or shrooms at my age. If you want a total mind fuck, just go shopping at a Target or Kohls in some other city than your own. Everything inside is all the same, but step outside in the parking lot and try to find your car. That’s a trip.


I’m at that age now, where the clothes I donated to Goodwill last year are worth more than clothes I bought at Kohl’s this year.

Training pads

I have a really old dog. He’s 15 years old and he’s been having bladder control issues and sometimes he can’t hold it long enough pisses in the house.

So we bought him these training pads. They go on the floor, so your dog can…well, go on the floor.

Before, he used to bark incessantly to let us know he needed to go out. Now he doesn’t make a sound. He just sneaks away and takes a piss or dump in the house when no one is looking. For anyone who thinks you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, guess again. We have taught our old dog to be discreet.

Didn’t we fight a war to not give a shit about royalty?

As a reasonable human being, I’m sorry to see Queen Elizabeth go. I realize she meant a lot to the people of England and elsewhere. Now might be a good time for Americans to remember we fought, and won a war with England that had something to do with monarchies.

Some Americans are way too into royalty and fascinated by their excessive amount of wealth, hardly any of which was earned, just taken. Rich Americans especially, love to emulate the British brand of opulence. Never mind the irony that there’d be no such thing as a rich American if we hadn’t won that war.

With the passing of the Queen, it might be a good time for Charles and family to dismantle the antiquated system that syphons money off the country just to have live museum relics.

Everyone’s an infomercial host

I finally broke down and bought a pair of Birkenstocks after resisting for decades. I’ve only had them a couple days and the left one is rubbing the top of my foot sore. So I googled, how to break them in and found this link.

TL:DR; just wear socks for 5 minutes a day for a week or so. That stretches them out.

I only included the link because it’s a great example of the logorrhea you’ll find whenever you go looking for a recipe, or how-to instructions.

Posts like above are like getting sucked into a 3am Infomercial on real estate. “What to know the secret to…but first…but first…but first let me tell you about…”

I started with a simple ask – how do I fix my Birks from rubbing my foot. I found my answer on that site. But first I was expected to read about…

  • The history of Birkenstocks
  • Why someone would want to break them in
  • How they should fit
  • Are they comfortable
  • What do podiatrists think of them
  • How long does it take to break them in
  • How long do Birks last
  • Where to get them

Eventually I scrolled to the actual part where the author goes through a 9-step process of how to break them in. All told, he must have written 3000 words.

The word content has become the catchall term to describe any and everything people create. I used to hate that word because it was so reductive.

Referring to something someone took the time to write as just “content” seemed so bland and meaningless. But now that most people seem to be producing content in mass quantities, not for people’s enjoyment, but as part of some other goal like ad impressions and click-through, I realize how apt it really is.

Content is just stuff. It’s what you call something when you can’t be bothered with context.

The most egregious content producers on the internet are recipe sites. Want to make Rice Krispie Treats? Melt butter, marshmallows in a pan, pour in 2 cups of cereal. Stir. Put it in pan. Cool. Cut.

If you Google “Rice Krispie Treats Recipe”, you’ll get over a million results. The top one is from Kellogg’s. I’m sure they’ve spent plenty on SEO to get that ranking. Meanwhile countless other people have posted their take on the recipe.

Click through many and you’ll see the same stupid stuff, a lengthy memoir of how they ate the treats in grade school followed by ten tips on how to buy the right butter.

I’d expect Kellogg’s, the company that actually makes Rice Krispies to go off on all kinds of tangents from sentimental to dietetic data. Ironically, they’re the only one that gets straight to the point.

Which I realize now, after producing all this content, I should have done too. Thanks for listening to my TEDTalk.

State of standup

I’ve been watching a bunch of standup clips on YouTube and Instagram. Most of them involuntarily because they’re injected into my feed. Either the platform algorithms are working overtime, or there is a crisis-level glut of standup comedy, or possibly both.

Technically speaking, there are more people getting on a stage these day and performing standup routines. Whether they’re actually doing comedy or being funny is up for debate.

What I’m seeing is a lot of people executing different formats of standup they’ve seen somewhere before. Watching standup lately feels like seeing cover bands that focus only replicating the sound instead of interpreting great songs for themselves.

I binged a bunch of clips from “Don’t Tell Comedy” and the emerging patterns of topics and styles were noticeable right away. It feels more like watching Toastmasters than comedy.

When it comes to style, people have clearly been told to do something that’ll make people remember you. Dress funny. Talk funny. Or be a character. For me, the best indicator of a comedian is if I can remember one of their jokes or stories. Because if it’s good, I will most likely repeat it to someone else.

I’ve seen a lot of comics who can get a laugh out of me and the audience. But later, I can’t remember a single thing they said in their act.

As for topics, there’s a lot of people doing the same things…

Personal appearance Most of their material is self-deprecating and focused on how they look. It’s a safe gimmick because audiences will let you get away with anything as long as you’re making fun of yourself. It’s usually their opener, but some comics have made this 100% of their act by creating some dork character and putting them in implausible scenarios.

Racism That’s it. That’s the punchline. Make a bunch of jokes about stereotypes of you own culture and get an easy laugh. Then accuse the audience of being racist for laughing. It’s weak because it’s a crutch. What else do you expect the audience to do? It’s like Wayne’s World when he says, “a sphincter says what?”

Gender Younger people are more comfortable with the concept of gender fluidity than their parents. However, they haven’t quite reached maturity about. I hear a lot of younger comics make the same lame jokes about preferred pronouns and trans people as people over 40. Younger comics clearly think they can joke about it because they understand it. The olds can’t because they’re ignorant. I think these jokes have less to do with gender identity and more to do with generational identity. I’d say to the olds, let the younger people have this one.

Drugs I’m not sure why this is even a popular topic anymore. Drugs, like sex, were taboo topics 50 years ago. If you don’t take recreational drugs, you surely know someone who does, and it’s not a shock. I guess weed is just the younger generation’s booze.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a curmudgeon. There are plenty of ways to be funny with the aforementioned topics. I’m not even saying the bits I’ve seen aren’t funny. I’m just calling attention to a pattern. My only critique is these once controversial topics are actually quite safe now. A lot of comics aren’t bringing anything new to the table when they discuss them. It’s easy to lose interest in a topic when you see the same takes over an over again. That’s probably why this, like all other trends fizzle out slowly. It takes a while for everyone else to see the pattern.