Dog Training Pads

Training pads

I have a really old dog. He’s 15 years old and he’s been having bladder control issues and sometimes he can’t hold it long enough pisses in the house.

So we bought him these training pads. They go on the floor, so your dog can…well, go on the floor.

Before, he used to bark incessantly to let us know he needed to go out. Now he doesn’t make a sound. He just sneaks away and takes a piss or dump in the house when no one is looking. For anyone who thinks you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, guess again. We have taught our old dog to be discreet.

The Queen is Dead

Didn’t we fight a war to not give a shit about royalty?

As a reasonable human being, I’m sorry to see Queen Elizabeth go. I realize she meant a lot to the people of England and elsewhere. Now might be a good time for Americans to remember we fought, and won a war with England that had something to do with monarchies.

Some Americans are way too into royalty and fascinated by their excessive amount of wealth, hardly any of which was earned, just taken. Rich Americans especially, love to emulate the British brand of opulence. Never mind the irony that there’d be no such thing as a rich American if we hadn’t won that war.

With the passing of the Queen, it might be a good time for Charles and family to dismantle the antiquated system that syphons money off the country just to have live museum relics.

Birks

Everyone’s an infomercial host

I finally broke down and bought a pair of Birkenstocks after resisting for decades. I’ve only had them a couple days and the left one is rubbing the top of my foot sore. So I googled, how to break them in and found this link.

How To Break In Birkenstocks Without The Pain! · The Organizer UK
Learn how to break in Birkenstocks without the pain, blisters and rubbing! Read how to make your Birks the most comfortable footwear you own!

TL:DR; just wear socks for 5 minutes a day for a week or so. That stretches them out.

I only included the link because it’s a great example of the logorrhea you’ll find whenever you go looking for a recipe, or how-to instructions.

Posts like above are like getting sucked into a 3am Infomercial on real estate. “What to know the secret to…but first…but first…but first let me tell you about…”

I started with a simple ask – how do I fix my Birks from rubbing my foot. I found my answer on that site. But first I was expected to read about…

  • The history of Birkenstocks
  • Why someone would want to break them in
  • How they should fit
  • Are they comfortable
  • What do podiatrists think of them
  • How long does it take to break them in
  • How long do Birks last
  • Where to get them

Eventually I scrolled to the actual part where the author goes through a 9-step process of how to break them in. All told, he must have written 3000 words.

The word content has become the catchall term to describe any and everything people create. I used to hate that word because it was so reductive.

Referring to something someone took the time to write as just “content” seemed so bland and meaningless. But now that most people seem to be producing content in mass quantities, not for people’s enjoyment, but as part of some other goal like ad impressions and click-through, I realize how apt it really is.

Content is just stuff. It’s what you call something when you can’t be bothered with context.

The most egregious content producers on the internet are recipe sites. Want to make Rice Krispie Treats? Melt butter, marshmallows in a pan, pour in 2 cups of cereal. Stir. Put it in pan. Cool. Cut.

If you Google “Rice Krispie Treats Recipe”, you’ll get over a million results. The top one is from Kellogg’s. I’m sure they’ve spent plenty on SEO to get that ranking. Meanwhile countless other people have posted their take on the recipe.

Click through many and you’ll see the same stupid stuff, a lengthy memoir of how they ate the treats in grade school followed by ten tips on how to buy the right butter.

I’d expect Kellogg’s, the company that actually makes Rice Krispies to go off on all kinds of tangents from sentimental to dietetic data. Ironically, they’re the only one that gets straight to the point.

Which I realize now, after producing all this content, I should have done too. Thanks for listening to my TEDTalk.

Tim Heidecker doing the hack on purpose

State of standup

I’ve been watching a bunch of standup clips on YouTube and Instagram. Most of them involuntarily because they’re injected into my feed. Either the platform algorithms are working overtime, or there is a crisis-level glut of standup comedy, or possibly both.

Technically speaking, there are more people getting on a stage these day and performing standup routines. Whether they’re actually doing comedy or being funny is up for debate.

What I’m seeing is a lot of people executing different formats of standup they’ve seen somewhere before. Watching standup lately feels like seeing cover bands that focus only replicating the sound instead of interpreting great songs for themselves.

I binged a bunch of clips from “Don’t Tell Comedy” and the emerging patterns of topics and styles were noticeable right away. It feels more like watching Toastmasters than comedy.

When it comes to style, people have clearly been told to do something that’ll make people remember you. Dress funny. Talk funny. Or be a character. For me, the best indicator of a comedian is if I can remember one of their jokes or stories. Because if it’s good, I will most likely repeat it to someone else.

I’ve seen a lot of comics who can get a laugh out of me and the audience. But later, I can’t remember a single thing they said in their act.

As for topics, there’s a lot of people doing the same things…

Personal appearance Most of their material is self-deprecating and focused on how they look. It’s a safe gimmick because audiences will let you get away with anything as long as you’re making fun of yourself. It’s usually their opener, but some comics have made this 100% of their act by creating some dork character and putting them in implausible scenarios.

Racism That’s it. That’s the punchline. Make a bunch of jokes about stereotypes of you own culture and get an easy laugh. Then accuse the audience of being racist for laughing. It’s weak because it’s a crutch. What else do you expect the audience to do? It’s like Wayne’s World when he says, “a sphincter says what?”

Gender Younger people are more comfortable with the concept of gender fluidity than their parents. However, they haven’t quite reached maturity about. I hear a lot of younger comics make the same lame jokes about preferred pronouns and trans people as people over 40. Younger comics clearly think they can joke about it because they understand it. The olds can’t because they’re ignorant. I think these jokes have less to do with gender identity and more to do with generational identity. I’d say to the olds, let the younger people have this one.

Drugs I’m not sure why this is even a popular topic anymore. Drugs, like sex, were taboo topics 50 years ago. If you don’t take recreational drugs, you surely know someone who does, and it’s not a shock. I guess weed is just the younger generation’s booze.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a curmudgeon. There are plenty of ways to be funny with the aforementioned topics. I’m not even saying the bits I’ve seen aren’t funny. I’m just calling attention to a pattern. My only critique is these once controversial topics are actually quite safe now. A lot of comics aren’t bringing anything new to the table when they discuss them. It’s easy to lose interest in a topic when you see the same takes over an over again. That’s probably why this, like all other trends fizzle out slowly. It takes a while for everyone else to see the pattern.

How about advertising less?

In what I assume is a cost-cutting move, GEICO is closing all its offices in California. I’m no accountant or financial whiz, but if I were GEICO and trying to save money, the first place I would start is cutting their advertising budget by 2/3. 90% of the ads I hear and see are either GEICO, Progressive, or Comcast. 3 things that barely need advertising since once you’ve bought them, you pretty much stick with them out of laziness.

Boomers

I’m so tired of hearing Baby Boomers call everyone “snowflakes.” I’m especially tired of hearing them shit on Gen-Z and Millennials. When they bitch about that generation, I like to remind them, those are their kids. It’s not their fault if they’re if they’re spoiled and sheltered. They didn’t invent play dates, participation trophies, and all that crap. That’s on you.

What I love is Boomers acting like they had it hard and suffered. “I didn’t storm Normandy, like my dad, but I had to hear about it a lot.”

My favorite is listening to Boomers talk about how soft everyone is, and then I get out on the trail and what do I see them riding? Electric bikes.

Oh you don’t want to go there

I love how Americans think everywhere else in the world is so much more dangerous. We went to Italy and everyone was saying you better be careful because they’ll pick your pockets there. It’s pretty bad. Or France, they warned me about the gypsies in the Left Bank, they’re always running some kind of scam.

Meanwhile, back at home, you kids can’t go to school. Old people can’t go to grocery stores without worrying about getting shot.

Generational Bias

Last week would have been my Grandpa’s 118th birthday had he not passed away in 1997. He managed to have a long and interesting life. He was born in 1904. He’s was the last of the generation that actually admitted how much the past really sucked. He knew. He lived it, once. And that was enough.

Everyone has to listen to someone older tell them how great everything used to be. It only gets worse as we have more and more technology to capture moments, and reinterpret them as memories. Oh that was a bad moment, but let’s look for the good.

I’m lucky. I had old, old grandparents.

His generation didn’t have more than one reality. He didn’t have all these things we have now to revised and rewrite history. It’s not like the Boomers where they have all those retro-themed restaurants that all look like the set from Grease.

My Grandpa had one photograph of himself as a kid. One. Back then there was only one, maybe two influencers. The one guy who owned a camera who traveled the countryside and took pictures.

To give you a sense of how old he was…he was too young to fight in WWI and too old for WWII, but he remembered both.

My Grandpa loved that fact that new stuff was coming out all the time. I never heard him once bitch or lament the good old days. Everything sucked back then. Everything.

My Grandma

My grandma was born in 1906. So she was old school. She came from that era when having fun did kill you. Name any activity and my grandma could tell you a story of someone who was horribly maimed or killed doing it.

She was like an encyclopedia of tragedy.

She knew at least seven our eight kids who literally shot their eye out. Including one she claims shot out both.

Even the most banal stuff, like paper airplanes and spit balls. I told her I was going rollerskating.

“Oh, I wish you wouldn’t. That’s how the little Londrigan boy died.”

“It’s Skateland gramma. I’m not going to be in the street where I can hit by a car.”

“Oh he didn’t get hit by a car. He got a blister from the skate and the dye from his socks got into his bloodstream and it killed him.”

“I’m wearing tube socks.”

She was like Wikipedia. Just watch her page load as she retrieved another horribly tragedy from the back of her mind.

Pineapple with Marvel tag

Pineapple Expresses

As I was putting away the rest of my groceries, I stopped and pondered that lone pineapple sitting on my counter. That’s when it occurred to me how little we appreciate or understand how much work, resources, and logistics went into getting that stupid hang tag onto a simple piece of fruit.

Pineapple with Marvel tag

I don’t know shit about growing pineapples, I assume it’s just plant them, pick them, ship them. But I do know plenty about marketing.

Most people won’t even notice the illustration. Imagine how hard it was to find 3 characters that aren’t already part of an extensive movie franchise, or some Disney+ animated series. Few will even pick up the slight differences in styles, a clear indicator different artists did the each. Someone had to manage the offshoring of that work.

Even if you did see the eye-catching graphics, I bet fewer people took the time to read the carefully crafted inscription on the back. In case you want to read it, it says…

Inspired by MARVEL, Dole honors unsung heroes quietly fighting for a happier, healthier life, family and planet. No matter their dreams, passions or seasons in life, every hero has a story worth celebrating. Dole Healthy Heroes, Assemble!

How hard is it write a paragraph of text you might ask? Unlike pineapples that grow on trees (someone fact check that for me), copywriters don’t. Neither do legal departments and brand managers, all of whom probably scoured and revised those 30ish words over many many emails. If that’s not enough, they had to do it a second time, but in Spanish!

Up to this point, we’re easily looking at 20-30 people involved from Dole and Marvel, and we aren’t even considering the printers etc.

But why go through all this you might ask? It’s that thing we like to refer to as the Call to Action, or as it’s known in the biz, the CTA. All this work, all this money, sure it’s contributing a significant cost to the pineapple, easily 150%

Moving down the rest of the card, you’ll notice those familiar icons. Behind each one is a social media team constantly monitoring signals to make sure the ROI of this co-marketing synergy. I’m just noticing they’re missing their social handles. Heads are going to roll.

Next time you pay three to four dollars for a pineapple, I hope you’ll think of all the hard work that went into getting it to your table.

You will, but did you?

I’m not afraid to admit that I’m technically competent. It actually bugs the shit out of me when people humblebrag about not knowing how to use technology. Or worse, when people think it’s only younger generations that can figure things out.

I could accept the excuse you weren’t good with computers back when DOS was the most popular operating system, and Macs were hard to find and too expensive. But we’ve been living with the Internet, email, GUIs, and even smartphones, for almost 20 years. That’s plenty of time to get your head wrapped around this.

There were these AT&T commercials around 1994 that were narrated by Tom Selleck. In it, they were predicting innovations that seemed like science fiction then, but we totally take for granted today.

If you are 70 today, you were in your 40s when those commercials came out. Presumably, you were watching all the same TV shows everyone else was watching, and so you saw those commercials and you had to know this was coming.

A lot of people my age, which is past 40, but not anywhere near 70, seem like idiots when it comes to basic technology. Sure, they can use an iPhone to text and post photos. But that’s where it starts and ends.

Technical illiteracy, like any other form of illiteracy, seems like something you’d want to hide. Instead of being embarrassed, it’s still something of a badge of honor.

TED Talking

Remember when TEDTalks were a thing? You know, back when they were given by people like scientists and and humanitarians?

These days giving a TEDTalk has all the gravitas as calling yourself an associate. TEDTalks used to only take place at TED – the invite-only annual confab that used to take place in Monterey CA. Like Lollapalooza, it used to be cool in the 90s.

But now it’s been franchised out. Like Dairy Queens, every po-dunk has a TEDx or something. Whenever I see someone has “TEDTalk” on their resume or LinkedIn profile, it’s hard for me to take them seriously now. It’s like they’re bragging about having to give a speech in Des Moines. I’d be more impressed if you told me you had a duet with Pit Bull.

It doesn’t matter the topic either. There’s a TEDTalk way of talking that is so condescending. In case you’re about to give one yourself here’s a little cheatsheet on how to give a TEDTalk on any topic.

  1. Assume the audiences hasn’t given it much thought to whatever topic you’ve picked. Don’t worry if they have.
  2. Bring up a fact and present it as a little-known fact.
  3. Mansplain whatever you came there to talk about.

I’m going to talk to you about a topic very few us even think about. That topic is thought leadership. Here’s a little known fact. There are two crucial things that make someone a thought leader. One is thought. And you’ll never guess the second. Are you ready. Its leadership. I bet you were thinking it was going to be something else.

Google Ad Words

I just received an email from Google promoting an event where they’re featuring a panel of industry visionaries and experts to talk about Ad Words. They’re all from well known brands.

I get why Google does stuff like this. Big brands are big spenders and this is more payback in the form of ego stroking. Seeing names like LEGO, Chase, and McDonald’s is impressive. But I also get the basic gist of Ad Words. You pay to have your ads show up when people search on different words and phrases. The goal is to pick related words to your product or ones your competition might use, to drive search traffic to your ad.

So, why in the hell is McDonald’s spending any money on Ad Words? Do they literally think there exists a human being out there Googling “hamburger” or “Big Mac”, even “Whopper?” And even if they were, why in the world would they want to attract that kind of moron, let alone encourage them to leave their house?

Screenshot from an email I received from Google.
I’m not sure Google and I agree on what the word “visionary” means