50/50

I had my annual physical last week. The doctor said everything looked pretty good. The only thing he was concerned about was my BMI score. BMI for those of you who don’t know stands for Body Mass Index. It’s what you should weigh based on your height. Mine was 31, and the doctor said he’d like to see it come down to something more normal like 22-23.

That didn’t sound too bad. So I asked him what I should do, and he said, “Based on my height, I should lose about 50 pounds.”

“Holy shit! What else have you got?”

He said, “Well, if we look at your weight, you could grow 13 inches.”

I’m not sure which path to take. I just know when I’m done, I’ll have to get new clothes anyhow.

My wife asked how did things go at my physical. When I told her what the doctor said, she was genuinely surprised and said, “Wow, but you don’t look that fat.” With a tear in my eye, I hugged her and said, “You noticed.”

She showed me an article that Rob Gronkowski lost 50 pounds in 6 months and he feels great. He doesn’t have the body aches, or heart burn anymore. It’s because he’s mostly eating a plant-based diet and drinking less. She figured, if Gronk can do it, why can’t you?

So I set a goal for myself of 50 by 50, and that’s what I’ll be doing for the next 6 months.

Since my physical, I’ve become something of a health nut and people are starting to notice. A woman I work with asked if I’ve been juicing. I thought she meant steroids, so I said, “I’m flattered, but this is all natural.” Then I flexed a little.

She said, “No, I meant doing a juice cleanse.”

“Yeah, why?”

She said, “We noticed you’ve been something of an insufferable prick lately.”

Yeah, that’s one of the side effects. They really ought to put some kind of warning label on the side of my Vitamix. Warning, use of this product will make others want to tell you to shut the hell up.

Juice Cleanse

My wife and I have been married a long time, so we thought now is as good a time as any to stress test our marriage. So we tried a juice cleanse this week. At the same time we are experiencing an extreme heat wave (105 degrees) and our old house doesn’t have air conditioning. We rarely need any, but when you do, oh boy.

I never thought something that’s supposed to feel so healthy could feel both bad and good on so many levels. First of all, I feel like I’m logger deforesting old growth forest for sport. A whole bag of kale produces a teaspoon of juice, and it takes 2 bags of carrots to get even a half cup. Each juice I make generates about a pound and a half of vegetable detritus. The good news, our town has a decent composting program and all the waste won’t, go to waste.

After trying to subsist on juice for a day and a half, I feel physically terrific. I haven’t really lost any discernible weight, but I feel lighter. Meantime, mentally, I’m an insufferable grouch.

At this point, I think I’m going to have to make a major life decision. Do I go on the rest of my life fat and happy, or healthy and hangry.

BLT – Bacon Lettuce and Tumor

By now, many of us have heard the news that the World Health Organization said something about bacon and cancer. I’m not all that concerned about¬†this news because, well, I never thought bacon was healthy for you in the first place. Cancer, clogged arteries, morbid obesity, take your pick, eat enough of this stuff and something will kill you.

Personally, I don’t think the WHO discovered anything. I think they’re like me and just sick and tired of all the stupid jokes, references, and bacon-flavored this that and the other thing.

Like a normal person, I’ll continue to eat it in moderation and tell no one.